Alive & Active

Yes, I'm guilty. I log on the computer everyday going over my daily website list:

www.cnn.com
www.tmz.com
www.craigslist.com
www.robinsyardsales.com
www.fertilichat.com
www.facebook.com
www.hotmail.com
www.any-bill-that-is-due-that-I-can-pay-online.com

I usually average about 2 hours looking on all my sites yet I've managed to stay to myself. In all honesty I've probably been guilty of this even in my one-on-one everyday communications with friends and family. You see, I have this bad habit. When life gets stressful and obstacles get in the way I have this wall that I put up. It's something I've struggled with since about the age of 15. I put the wall up so I can protect myself from the possibility of being hurt and in the meantime everything else in my life takes a back seat. The backseat passengers have to be right there and no closer because if they get closer that means my energy is going to them and not towards protecting myself.

The whole "baby" thing has turned into somewhat of an unspoken stressful silence between Rory and me. We talk about the what-ifs usually once a week. I've been given the luxury of only having once a week doctors appointments now and also have been given the privilege of being off house arrest. That's right...not just couch arrest but I can leave the house! This all sounds like great news and I should be more than thankful. If you want all the medical terminology I'll give it to you. My cervix has shortened to a reasonable measurement 2.3cm, there is minimal funneling with pressure, Braiden (Baby A) weighs 1lb 12oz, Conley (Baby B) weights 2lbs. They are measuring a little behind from what they should but it's nothing to get concerned about right now just something to monitor. Had a little scare with my blood pressure but everything is fine. So all in all I should be very happy. In some small little hidden place I hold onto the happiness with dear life. All it takes is one second for something to turn your world around. I guess that's where the wall comes in handy.

Every doctors appointment, every twinge, every kick, every pinch, every headache, every heart racing and crazy pulse I think "this could be it, this could be the babies time to come." We all know it's waaaay too early for them to make their arrival.

I'm so grateful for everybody asking how I'm doing, but I think until I have two healthy babies in my arms I'm not going to be doing the same as I am today and as I was yesterday and the day before.

Worried. Concerned. Stressed.

I promise I'm not super depressed. A little depressed? Maybe. Wouldn't that be somewhat normal? I've been through a complete unexpected whirlwind that I've never had to experience before, so somedays it is hard not to feel a little down and out. This is actually given me a great opportunity to really enjoy Ava before the boys come. I'm afraid because of the whole ordeal she's getting a little spoiled. I just keep thinking in the back of my mind that this is all the time I have with her just by ourselves.

No more boo hoo'ing...if thats even a word ;)

Let me talk about my ray of sunshine. Little Miss Ava. This child never shuts up. It is pretty humorous at times and tiring other times. She'll talk to herself. She'll talk to her baby dolls. She'll even just sit in a chair and for 30 minutes she'll read books outloud. If you listen to her she says the funniest things. I like to think she gets her sense of humor from me but in all honesty it's probably from Rory because whenever she says something it sounds like something that would come out of his mouth. Let me give some examples. When somebody burps this is what Ava says "Daddy faah-t in his mouf!" No matter how many times you tell the child that it's called burping it doesn't matter, that's not how she sees it. Next example. Out of habit if I have to go to the bathroom (even just to pee) I usually tell Rory "I have to go to the bathroom" when I'm getting up. Don't ask...I have no clue why I must inform somebody that I'm headed to the bathroom. Probably because if you know me you know even if it's just to pee I'll be in there for at least 30 minutes. That's another post.

I digress.

Back to Ava. So, the other day I say to Rory as I'm getting off of the couch "I'm going to go to the bathroom." Let me paint the picture for you. Ava is sitting on the floor playing with her baby dolls completely in la la land. I make my bathroom comment and this is what I hear as I'm walking to the bathroom "HIIII HOOO DAAA DAAYY-WEE OHHH...MOMMY HAS TO POOT!" She calls pooping "pooting" just for clarification.

I might not know exactly where she gets her sense of humor from but as I'm typing this blog I see there should be no confusion of where she gets her babbling from ;)

All in all things aren't too bad around here. I have a beautiful and caring husband, a princess of a daughter, two (so far) healthy boys. I shouldn't complain about too much really.

How about I end this long post on a good note with some pictures. Proof that indeed we are alive & active.

When I make it into the office sometime this week I will scan the newest ultrasound pictures of the boys.

Two Timer

That's right. Rory and I are two timers. We are loyal to Dr. Boddy's office two times a week. Every Monday and every Thursday. The wait can take one hour and we've learned the wait can take three hours. I can't really complain. This is the man that saved the twins. He went against the "book" of medicine and did a procedure that was very risky this late in a pregnancy. Rory and I both trust him and if we have to wait hours to see him then that's what we'll do. In my lame attempts to talk Rory into letting me walk around and go somewhere, I use the wait to my advantage. I haven't come out successful yet and have a feeling I won't anytime soon. My logic is...if I can leave the house and be at Dr. Boddy's office for hours on end then how come I can't do it to run and get lunch per say? or go shopping for the boys? or go to work for a few hours? Who am I kidding. Rory is more strict on me then the doctor ;) That's why I love him!

So, Monday. Braiden is still head down snuggled up. He moves but doesn't like to make himself noticed too much. Conley on the other hand. Conley was heads up, right under the top of my ribs. He is the belly bully. He takes up as much room as he wants and dances all over the place. I came to the conclusion the other day that they love canteloupe or they are practicing jiu jitsu for the future. I still have funneling of the cervix and my cervix had not changed for the better or worse. Everything was basically the same.

Then there's Thursday. Braiden is still head down snuggled up (notice I'll probably be saying this repeatedly.) Conley decided he wanted to whisper secrets to Braiden so he somersaulted his way back down and his feet are now under my ribs. The boys are both almost 2lbs now and are measuring where they should. Here's the news. Funneling? Yes. Cervix change? Yes...FOR THE GOOD! Apparently there was only 2 tenths of a centimeter difference but the doctor was happy so Rory and I became excited. I actually thought that he would say I could get off "couch arrest." Something I'm learning throughout all of this is not to get my hopes up.

Monday is my next appointment. This is when the doctor will make the decision whether I can walk around the house at all. This doesn't mean I get to leave the house...dear God pray for me because I'm losing my sanity...but at least being able to get up and walk around a few times a day will be a blessing!

I know I haven't talked much about Ava through all of this but there's not much to say. Believe it or not she has adjusted better than I have. I never realized how resiliant children are, but she is showing me this everyday. She's done wonderfuly at school and she's been great at home. She's still our little princess!

Next time I post I will try to post a new picture of her and pictures of the boys.

Rory and I thank everybody for all of your continued support and prayers!

Brutal Boddy

I know I haven't said this yet but I absolutely am impressed with the Perinatologist and his staff of residents. From the very beginning Dr. Boddy has been open and honest but does not give a false sense of security. It is extremely difficult to hear such honesty when you're reaching out for an ounce of hope.

I had my follow up ultrasound this afternoon. Not only does the doctor treat patients from South Atlanta to Valdosta, GA. He also has his own private practice. There are now 11 women on this floor of the hospital with twins and 3 of us whom have been through a surgical procedure to save our twins. So, needless to say I wasn't expecting for the doc to stop in today. He came by tonight and thankfully Rory was here too. Speaking of Rory, we'll get back to him in a second. Brutal Boddy was once again honest. I will have another follow up ultrasound on Thursday. My white cell count is great, which means there is no sign of infection from the surgery. I will continue to get my antiobiotics every 6 hours through IV. My blood pressure has remained normal and I have had no other negative signs since prior to the procedure Friday.

I was hesitant to ask but I did anyways. The golden question "when do I get to go home?" All depends on Thursday. I did get the low down on "if" I get to go home. I will need a caregiver. I will be making 2 trips a week to Dr. Boddy's practice. I will basically be on the same restrictions at home as I am here at the hospital. I also inquired about a concern I had. If I go home and something starts to happen, how can I tell. I couldn't tell anything was truly wrong last week but Rory and I were on the verge of losing our unborn boys. I got a pretty big stab to the heart when I received the answer. If something is going to happen at this point, nothing can be done. The cerclage was our only straw. It was the only lifeline that we have saving Braiden and Conley. In a harsh but honest way if something is going to happen it will happen here at the hospital or at home, regardless. Since our golden ticket has been redeemed, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter where I do my bedrest.

It's hard to hear those words. It's hard for one of the best specialist around to tell you that you've "used your golden ticket!" Everything about this process is hard. It's depressing. It's lonely. It's discouraging. I do everything I can everyday to keep my head up (and God knows I've only been here since Friday.) Most of these women that share the Labor & Delivery Floor have been here for 1-2 months.

Rory keeps me going! He comes during the day and stays for hours. Yesterday he brought Ava and an all day bag, and they did just that...they stayed all day with me. I felt so selfish for them staying here that long. I don't want to be here. Hell...I know it's not fun for them. I cry everytime they leave & I cry every morning I wake up by myself. I cherish the time that Rory, Ava, and I have together.

We will continue to take this day by day. I might leave at the end of the week. I might not. I might leave with two babies. I might not.

Please continue to pray, God is hearing them!

Hospital Home

I sit here tonight lonely, bored, emotional and trying to settle into my new home...the hospital until further notice.

It all started weeks ago. I had my 20 week ultrasound appoint with my ob and shared some concerns I had with the pregnancy as well as how his staff had handled a few issues. One of the issues I brought up to him, he neglected once again during this very visit. Rory and I talked...well basically I did all the talking and I told Rory I was going to look for a new doctor. I was only 1/2 way through this pregnancy so it wasn't too late. I'm not one to put too much into dreams but I'll share the basics of a dream I had. I went to the doctor and shared a concern with him, basically telling him I was in labor. He looked at me and laughed saying "you're pregnant you're going to feel that way." Now in real life this is typically his response to things. In my dream I just didn't feel right, something didn't feel right so I took myself to the hospital. Another doctor was on call. I was in labor and he stopped my labor and I had the babies full term. Remember, this was just a dream. It stood out to me so much combined with the mixed feelings I had with my ob's office, I decided to switch.

I asked around a lot and found a new ob. My appointment with him was scheduled for June 12, but as usual things change. On Wednesday I had called the new ob's office because Baby B was not moving and had not been for almost two days. He told me to come right in. He found both babies heartbeats on the doppler in no time. He explained that he had not received my medical records yet but I could come back after lunch (his ultrasound tech) already left for lunch or I could come in Thursday. Thursday would give him time to look over the records and schedule the ultrasound. Since both babies heartbeats were picked up right away and were good rates PLUS baby b started jumping around, I had decided just to wait until the next day to go back. I went back and this new ob did a full work up...exam and all. At first I wasn't sure why he was doing an exam but for the most part I respect physicians and their protocol. Thank goodness I didn't go against his wishes. He asked me to go home, DO NOTHING and come back at 8:30a.m. yesterday. I did just that. I went home 1.5cm dilated and did nothing. I was almost too afraid to even shower. I arrived at his office at 8:20 bottled with anticipation. By 10a.m. I was being admitted to the hospital. By 1p.m. I was being transported by ambulance to an out of town hospital to have an emergency cerclage put in.

All of this happened because I was 2 cm dialated when I went back to the ob yesterday morning. By the time I made it into surgery with the specialist I was 4cm dilated, 80% effaced and Baby A's amniotic sac was bulging through my cervix. The surgery is no guarentee; however it was a better attempt then to just sit on bed rest and do nothing at all. Both babies measure on target and will be 23 weeks gestation tomorrow. Thankfully, the hospital I'm at goes of birth weight and not gestation age to determine treatment when the boys are born. This is good in case they're born soon but have a viable birth weight.

Here is the information the specialist gave us last night. At this point, if the babies are born they will not survive. They both weigh 550 ish grams which converts to 1.2lbs. If we make it to 24 weeks the babies have a 5% higher survival rate and a 90% chance of a lifetime disabilities. 28-32 weeks and we can take home 2 healthy babies. So of course our goal is at least 28 weeks. Thats only 5 more weeks from tomorrow.

The surgery follow-up ultrasound was scheduled for Monday. The dr. said that the first 72 hours after placement of a cerclage are the most crucial. I'm currently surrounded by 6 other moms due with twins and 2 others who have a cerclage. Dr. decided to call in his u/s tech and get us all done today. After a little episode of bleeding this afternoon, the u/s news was the best news I had heard all day. Looking at the screen I saw a perfect sac and a cervix with lots of stitching. The dr. explained that the cerclage looks beautiful. I'm done to 3cm from 4 last night and most likely will not go down anymore but it's great it did go done 1cm. Now for baby A's bag. They were able to successfully place the bag back inside the uterus with no damage. During the ultrasound the dr did put pressure on the bag and as I was watching the screen preparing myself to see the begining of labor start by this one little move, God quickly gave me a reality check and reminded me that he's in charge and not myself. Baby A's bag did not budge! I believe the words the doc used today were "we're golden...for today." Tomorrow is a new day that brings new concerns and worries; however 1 day the babies stay inside are equivalent to 3 days of growth. Tomorrow remains our new normal. I lay in a bed for 23.5 hrs a day, watching tv, reading books, facebooking and text messaging. Phone calls have been saved for Rory and Ava, knowing everytime I hear their voice I hang up the phone and break down crying. I miss my husband and I miss my little girl. They came up here to see me today and Ava did very well.

It just hurts because Ava should not have to see her mom stuck with tubes all over and a catherter bag hanging off the bedside that you have to remind her not to kick it. It hurts me that Ava might not get to meet her brothers that she talks to everyday as she rubs lotion on my stomach. Its lovely to watch...her and her brothers bonding already and how in the hell do I explain to her if she never gets to meet them. I've gone through the highs and lows a hundred times in my head. I can't blame my first doctor for not looking into my complaints more seriously, when all of this possibly happened but I can be greatful that I found somebody who doesn't mind listening and treating a patient based on what they've just heard.

I can't not bring these boys home with me, yet I never underestimate that this is not my decision. Here I have come across blog after blog of miracle babies that I talk about on here, and during this little revelations I see prayer works! Please pray for Braiden Patrick O'Brien and Conley Patrick O'Brien. Pray that they fatten their tiny little bones up and they make it into this world breathing. Please pray that if this is not Gods choice that I can have understanding and strength to ever pick my feet back up and put one foot in front of the other.

Rory, if you're reading this I want you to know that I would never have picked a more solid perfect person to go through this with than you! I know I cry and that you cry but when you leave you leave me with a sense of peace and optomism. You leave me feeling like "I CAN do this" and not "I CAN'T do this anymore!" I love you for being my rock and reminding me that prayers and God really work...thank you!

Thank you to all of my friends, family and support system Rory and I truly would be lost without your encouraging words and power of prayer! We love you all!

I think I'll take advantage of this ambien I have sitting here and try to sleep for the first time in weeks. Good night and God Bless!